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Underling 2010
TLG Chronicles

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The Lunatic Gazette
Star Chronicle Journal Times Blog
Underling Archives are stored in TLG Chronicles
a small magazine deconstructing reality and
seeking sanity in all the wrong places

International fear grows to epidemic proportions as H9K9 flu panics WHO!!
by Dr. Kitty Litter, 5 November 2010

SARS, H1N1, Bubonic, Scarlet and TB step back! The World Health Organization is about to announce a new fear for the new year. H9K9 is coming.

The renowned H1N1 epipandemic slew somewhere between six dozen and 20 million people around the world and created a firestorm of profits for pharmacorps with untested and potentially effective anti-virus meds. Was it about birds or was the whole thing just a chickenshit mass manipulation of 100s of millions of earthlings? We may never know but one thing we can be certain of, according to Dr. Lilly Pfizer, is that Canine Flu will change the entire relationship between humans and their second most favorite pets.

"We expect somewhere between three dozen and fifty million people to die in 2011 if H9K9 really gets going," Dr. Pfizer exclaimed at a recent WHO consulta. "We are asking all major pharmaceutical companies to put all their R&D efforts into coming up with an antidote for H9K9 so a product line can be in full operation before people have to start a mass slaughter of their dogs."

Dr. Pfizer indicates that she personally has long had nightmares about mad dogs and Englishmen and finds nothing funny at all about the upcoming H9K9 threat. "We will be meeting on Monday with some of Obama's people and are very hopeful He will persuade the G20 countries to invest billons to assist big pharma corps in their latest attempt to save humanity from its worst fears."

WHO knows! WHO cares! Keep a close eye on your dogs and prepare for the probability of an international cull call. 2011 does not look good, please be afraid.

Potash Corpse of Canada presents conservative dilemma for Harper
by Conrad Block, 4 November 2010
BHP Billiton of Australia is temporarily stalled in its $40-billion US hostile takeover bid for Potash Corporation of Saskatchewan. Stephen Harper's boy, Tony Clement, has announced BHP has 30 days to come up with a better offer or "Canada" will (or may or might) reject the takeover bid.

Harper has a dilemma on this baby. Does he find a solid way to maintain his core belief in the right of private enterprise to do whatever the hell it wants and can or does he protect the illusions in western Canadian provinces that they own their potash, oil, tar sands, gold and uranium. Pollsters told him he'd lose every seat in Saskatchewan if he simply approved the "hostile" take over bid by Billiton.

At least four provinces rose in public view with righteous anger and posturing threats of rebellion at the thought of Saskatchewan losing control of the Potash Corporation which was in fact privatized some years ago by the Conservative government of Grant Devine.

And so Harper's boy issued his sweeten the pot in 30 days or we'll frown at you big time edict. Sweetening the pot, of course, simply means the shareholders will get more money. It has nothing to do with public ownership of resources at the provincial level. So that's not the real dilemma for Harper. The real dilemma would be oil and Alberta. If potash why not oil?

Harper's dilemma is how to permit free rein for free enterprise in Saskatchewan without setting a precedent for the illusion that Alberta owns and controls the oil beneath its surface and the tar sands atop its blandscape.

Tony Clement now has 30 days to come up with some wording which will "protect" jobs and royalties from the rapacious, blood thirsty sociopaths he and his boss love so dearly and respect so deeply. If Clement weren't so well known as a weak-kneed, compliant sycophant in constant and desperate need of approval from his master one might feel a pang of sympathy for the dilemma he must paper over on such a short term schedule.

TLG in hostile take over of yet another media outlet
by Conrad Block, 3 November 2010
J.D. Underling, President, proudly announced today acquisition of Blog. "Acquiring the Blog empire has been one of our goals for weeks now," exclaimed Underling. "We have particularly wanted to control the insanity known as the blogosphere and acquiring ownership of the word Blog is a first step."

Media experts, analysts and ologists reacted to the news with blank stares and obvious incredulity. "Fuck off I'm busy," was all a spokesperson for Media Experts, Analysts and Ologists of Canada would say when contacted by TLG.

A spokesperson for the PMO congratulated J.D. Underling's initiative, threatened to pull all funding for the charity which funds MEAO of Canada and offered to arrange a meeting in the near future between TLG financial advisors and people "close to Obama."

"Stephen believes," whispered the PMO spokesperson, "that MEAO of Canada is staffed by Tamil Tigers and funded by an associate of Mr. Ladin. MEAO has purred its last meow as far as the boss is concerned."

Another spectacular win for the Prince of Peace! Joy to the Obama
by J.D. Underling, 3 November 2010
Critics of America's Prince of Peace can STFU, grin and bear it, lump it or hump it, BRB, BYOB and TTYL tweeter face. They said he would lose it all in the mid-term and he came through once again. The more things change, the more things stay the same.

The man is a brilliant strategist, community organizer and Nobel Peace Prize winner who can wage two major wars on the one hand while slayng the Pelosi Dragon Lady with the other hand all while leaving no finger prints on anything. He could not lose Nancy Pelosi without losing the House of Representatives so he did what had to be done.

They said he'd lose control of the Senate and he did not.... he has more control of the Senate than any President in the past two years. He's always said he's about Change and the House of Representatives has indeed changed. His path may not be the well trod one but at least he has not followed in George W. Bush's footsteps and worn some groin grabbing parachute and nattered on about "mission accomplished" or any other such silly anti-war nonsense.

Good for you Barack! You are The Obama! You are the Prince of Peace! You are the one who put the ram in the ramma lamma dingdong! And don't let the boogers get you down... get down on your own! Yes. And always remember that a country as great as America does not need an economy. Economies are for dust chewing mortals, humans of a lesser kind such as are found in all other nations of the world. Americans are about independence and less government and nobody telling anybody else what to do without being shot and at least maimed.

So I'm saying Obama stemmed the Teabagger Tide and now the universe is safe once again. Tomorrow we may be back to mad cows and one more flu over the chicken coop but today and most of tonight we have the power of love, the strategy of change and the vision of Hope to carry us heavenward. Praise the Obama and past the collateral damage.

To paraphrase Robert Duvall in Apocalypse Now: "I love the smell of bullshit in the mourning."

Guelph police launch Most Wanted list of dangerous fugitives...
by John Doe, 2 November 2010
On November 1st Guelph Police announced that they are launching a most wanted list on their website. Locals may breathe a sigh of relief its not been graded as a "dead or alive" culture. The new "fugitive file" will "post the profiles of between seven and 10 people wanted by police. The descriptions will include a photo, name, birth date and the crimes for which warrants have been issued" according to a Guelph Mercury story.

According to the paper some still refer to as the Guelph Daily Miracle, "Guelph Police spokesperson Sgt. Doug Pflug said anyone who is 'a real threat to public safety' will be featured on the website." Now this is where The Lunatic Gazette sits up and takes notice. I mean come on folks many of us watched The Fugitive on television and many more of us saw The Fugitive in the movie theatres and on dvds. A fugitive is an escapee from courts and or prison not just a Pflug targeted real threat to "the public".

We have to ask, seriously ask, whether the good Sergeant sees himself in the same light as Barry Morse or Tommy Lee Jones. Are we to anticipate car chases, train wrecks, helter skelter dives from helicopters into Guelph Lake?

The Lunatic Gazette took some time last evening to discuss this whole matter and easily reached a consensus that this may just be a prank. "I think someone's hacked the copper's website," exclaimed TLG publisher John Underling. "It definitely smells like a prank and coming on the day after Hallowe'en I'm betting its a weird kind of trick-or-treat by some university kids."

Calls by Mr. Underling to the Guelph Police station went unanswered but Underling does admit he did not use a telephone as he prefers to shout at the police from a hilltop near the junction of Cork and Dublin in behind the Church of Our Lady. "It just feels like graduation," said TLG's Underling.

Genetically Modified Republican Tea Baggers Endorsed by God
by John Doe, 1 November 2010
On the eve of destruction U.S. President B. Obama is pleading with Democrats to vote in the mid-term elections on Tuesday November 2nd. All the signs are bad for Obama. The Democratic Party is facing loss of control of both Houses of Congress just two years after sweeping the McCain/Palin crew from the radar.

In a positive side note for Obama it must be remembered this will make no difference at all to the people of Iraq and Afghanistan. "The teabaggers may win control of Congress," laughed the President in an exclusive interview with The Lunatic Gazette, "but they will not win control of the Oval Office for at least two more years."

An enthusiastic crowd of Obama enthusiasts disrupted the TLG interview with foaming chants of "Two more years! Two more years" and then carried the President down Pennsylvania Avenue to his weekly bowling lesson.

More on this later, probably.

In other news the rest of North America will wait until next weekend to turn back the clocks.

Welcome back Underling, enjoy your very minor medical miracle
by John Doe, 31 October 2010
The Bored of Directors of The Lunatic Gazette Star Chronicle Journal Times, in a split decision reminiscent of Canada's Supreme Court, are happy to announce that our crack medical team are on the verge of waking Underling and his/her associates from a two year long coma. The Bored is also happy to announce that this decision will be reviewed on a weakly basis until it can be assured, ascertained and perhaps even accepted that Mr. & Mrs. Ling are in sufficient pain to keep them alert.

In announcing this decision the Bored wants to assure all employees of Man Ur Lifeboats that all call centre staff are required to consume two large coffees in memory of Bruce and Maggie before being traced to the site of this very, very minor medical miracle. The Bored cancelled all life insurance policies held by the Lings as well as each and every one of their associates. "There will be no complications nor liabilities," stated Bored Chair Stumpy Stiles. "We take our responsibilities seriously most of the time and prorogue any decision we feel appropriate -- always in our own interest and never caring about any readers real or imagined in the Ling Universe."

Fulton Joseph Butts stated in Facebook "I feel just by the name of the article that I might be qualified or maybe even over-qualified ; ) to be an editor there."

And incidentally it should be known for the record that Cornet Joyce of the Redbadbears is directly responsible for waking The Ling up this time round by stating "I miss Underling."

Breaking News! Underling not disappointed in Obama nor Harper
by Sly M. Buckets, 31 October 2010
"Why would I be disappointed in those guys?" Underling snapped at reporters yesterday. "They are exactly what I expected and have not disappointed in any way, to any degree, nor by any stretch of the imagination."

Underling, recently awakened from a two year Ripped and Twinkled hiatus, complains only that politics seems just as full of liars and pliars as it was when he chose to go comatose rather than see his beloved world of parody and satire robbed of its vitality by Presidents and Prime Ministers.

Sanity Claws ARKHIVES of the one known as Underling, R.I.P.: 17 January 2004.

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